The trailer for the latest cinematic abomination by the same cretins who gave you Disaster Movie has been released. Vampires Suck is a parody of the obnoxiously ubiquitous Twilight series (no, it is not a saga because it lacks Vikings or epic plots) and is of course nothing more than a shoddy collection of obvious if not outright stolen jokes that everyone has already heard, irrelevant pop culture references, prop gags with gratuitous violence, and a bunch of celebrity lookalikes who explain to you in the dialog what every one of the jokes and cultural references is, means, and why they think you should laugh at it you consumer pig.
You're probably asking right now, "Alex, why are you telling us about a movie you obviously want to bury in the center of the earth?" Because most people suck at being funny. And while I don't want to give the people responsible for these awful movies any money, I advise you to watch at least one of their films for free if you can because their screenplays are an itemized list of the myriad ways to NOT be funny. All the same, here's a few cardinal rules to follow.
1. Cultural references are not inherently funny. Do you and your friends sometimes recite a beloved movie quote at one another? That's something of an inside joke. Telling a complete stranger that you drink their milkshake however is not funny. It's a desperate cry for attention. Do not do this.
2. The structure of a joke is Setup-Setup-Punchline. If you're going to tell a joke, there needs to be some kind of introduction and buildup leading to the pay-off. Violence, profanity, and "randomness" are not a substitute for this structure, nor are they inherently witty on their own. Speaking of...
3. Random is not funny. Ever. If you ever get into your head that you can shortcut your path to comedy by talking about penguins and cheese or whatever, then you will die alone. You'll look like a child begging for attention and possibly suffering from a head wound.
4. If you ever say, "That's what she said," I will hurt you very, very badly. This one speaks for itself. Say those words and you will roast in hell.
If you want to know more about comedy, post a question in the comments section and I'll do my best to help you out.
Showing posts with label Twilight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twilight. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Boo Moments
I love movies, and horror is my pet genre. But most horror movies suck and are a waste of time and money, like any movie made by Platinum Dunes (the remakes of The Amityville Horror, Friday the 13th, etc) or made by James Wan (Saw, Saw II, Dead Silence). Aside from this pattern of name recognition, I've worked out a system for determining the potential quality of a horror movie by watching its trailer and counting the number of Boo moments. What is a Boo moment? Anything that tries to invoke fear by startling you. The system is very simple:
1 point: A basic boo moment. Something jumps out or appears unexpectedly via a sudden reveal. Usually accompanied by a screeching orchestra hit.
2 points: An intermediate boo moment. This is when the something that jumps out does do directly at the screen or is revealed in such a way that it's looking at the camera.
3 points: Advanced boo moment. This reveal or pop out is preceded by several seconds of build-up. It usually but not always involves someone investigating a suspicious noise and finds nothing, only to have the killer or monster appear abruptly behind them, presumably having been standing there in anticipation of the hapless idiot backing up into them.
Got your boo moments sorted out? Good. Now here's the scale of quality based on the points scored by the number and type of boo moments in a given trailer:
3 points or less: Probably good with the potential to be great. Examples: Rosemary's Baby, Shudder Island, Daybreakers
4-6 points: Might be enjoyable, but could just as easily suck. Defer to track record of screenwriter and director when possible, but this is no guarantee either. Example: Land of the Dead
7 points or more: This is the cinematic equivalent of repeatedly hitting yourself in the junk with a meat tenderizer. Examples: Anything made by Platinum Dunes.
Why am I bringing this up? Because a lot of bizarrists want to do scary stuff and prove to have just as much sense of subtlety, restraint, and pathos as Michael Bay and his cronies. There's a difference between scaring someone and startling them. And to do so requires genuine pathos, intelligence, and an understanding of what actually scares people.
Jim Pace's The Web is a neat little effect and everything, but it's more of a gag than a horror routine. It's scary in the same way that Twilight is romantic: cheap, emotionally exploitative and quickly forgotten. It takes absolutely no talent to get reactions like that. If you want to actually do something that people will remember and enjoy, you need to have more of a method to your madness than just sneaking up on a person and screaming "BOO!!" at them.
1 point: A basic boo moment. Something jumps out or appears unexpectedly via a sudden reveal. Usually accompanied by a screeching orchestra hit.
2 points: An intermediate boo moment. This is when the something that jumps out does do directly at the screen or is revealed in such a way that it's looking at the camera.
3 points: Advanced boo moment. This reveal or pop out is preceded by several seconds of build-up. It usually but not always involves someone investigating a suspicious noise and finds nothing, only to have the killer or monster appear abruptly behind them, presumably having been standing there in anticipation of the hapless idiot backing up into them.
Got your boo moments sorted out? Good. Now here's the scale of quality based on the points scored by the number and type of boo moments in a given trailer:
3 points or less: Probably good with the potential to be great. Examples: Rosemary's Baby, Shudder Island, Daybreakers
4-6 points: Might be enjoyable, but could just as easily suck. Defer to track record of screenwriter and director when possible, but this is no guarantee either. Example: Land of the Dead
7 points or more: This is the cinematic equivalent of repeatedly hitting yourself in the junk with a meat tenderizer. Examples: Anything made by Platinum Dunes.
Why am I bringing this up? Because a lot of bizarrists want to do scary stuff and prove to have just as much sense of subtlety, restraint, and pathos as Michael Bay and his cronies. There's a difference between scaring someone and startling them. And to do so requires genuine pathos, intelligence, and an understanding of what actually scares people.
Jim Pace's The Web is a neat little effect and everything, but it's more of a gag than a horror routine. It's scary in the same way that Twilight is romantic: cheap, emotionally exploitative and quickly forgotten. It takes absolutely no talent to get reactions like that. If you want to actually do something that people will remember and enjoy, you need to have more of a method to your madness than just sneaking up on a person and screaming "BOO!!" at them.
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