You're Not Funny

The trailer for the latest cinematic abomination by the same cretins who gave you Disaster Movie has been released.  Vampires Suck is a parody of the obnoxiously ubiquitous Twilight series (no, it is not a saga because it lacks Vikings or epic plots) and is of course nothing more than a shoddy collection of obvious if not outright stolen jokes that everyone has already heard, irrelevant pop culture references, prop gags with gratuitous violence, and a bunch of celebrity lookalikes who explain to you in the dialog what every one of the jokes and cultural references is, means, and why they think you should laugh at it you consumer pig.

You're probably asking right now, "Alex, why are you telling us about a movie you obviously want to bury in the center of the earth?"  Because most people suck at being funny.  And while I don't want to give the people responsible for these awful movies any money, I advise you to watch at least one of their films for free if you can because their screenplays are an itemized list of the myriad ways to NOT be funny.  All the same, here's a few cardinal rules to follow.

1.  Cultural references are not inherently funny.  Do you and your friends sometimes recite a beloved movie quote at one another?  That's something of an inside joke.  Telling a complete stranger that you drink their milkshake however is not funny.  It's a desperate cry for attention.  Do not do this.

2.  The structure of a joke is Setup-Setup-Punchline.  If you're going to tell a joke, there needs to be some kind of introduction and buildup leading to the pay-off.  Violence, profanity, and "randomness" are not a substitute for this structure, nor are they inherently witty on their own.  Speaking of...

3.  Random is not funny.  Ever.  If you ever get into your head that you can shortcut your path to comedy by talking about penguins and cheese or whatever, then you will die alone.  You'll look like a child begging for attention and possibly suffering from a head wound.

4.  If you ever say, "That's what she said," I will hurt you very, very badly. This one speaks for itself.  Say those words and you will roast in hell.

If you want to know more about comedy, post a question in the comments section and I'll do my best to help you out.